Baby daddies and the single mom

OK, so this blog isn't so much about baby daddies as it is about one baby daddy -- my baby's daddy.

Yes, that's right -- buckle up folks, we're in for another bumpy installment of "Amy's ex-files."

My son's father, as some/many/all of you may already be aware, is currently deployed to Afghanistan. I'm sympathetic. I was once an Army wife who's husband was deployed far away to dangerous areas (it was Bosnia and Iraq when we were married).

But that also means that I know it's not prohibitively difficult to stay in touch with the folks back home. There's phone, which is not always reliable. There's email, usually at least accessible. And there's good old-fashioned mail, slow but reliable and free for deployed military members.

My ex-husband, my son's dear father [insert scathing sarcasm here], had availed himself of none of these methods of communication for two months. No calls, no letters, no emails for me to read to our son or even asking how he's doing. No carrier pigeons, no smoke signals, no dream invasion (sorry, I saw "Inception" last night, and I have a dream thing going on right now), nothing. For two months, since our son's birthday in May.

I know there's a struggle with the time difference (the few hours that my son's with me and awake in the evenings is pretty much the middle of the night over there), but there's been a weekend or two -- or eight! -- over the course of the past two months when it'd be easier to make contact.

I know it's tough to make time to call when that can involve standing in lines or when you're so exhausted all you want to do is sleep for the few hours you can. But I also know that my ex has spared no effort to call his wife during his deployment (as he should); would it be so tough to extend that same effort every once in a while for his son?

When I think about it, I'm part infuriated, part disappointed, to be honest. My son misses his father and loves his father and asks about him and talks about him. I want them to have a good relationship, but I can't force it.

My son finally did talk to his father this past weekend while he was visiting with his stepmom for an afternoon. My son told me that she called him somehow; I didn't even know that was possible.

I asked my son about talking to his father, but he said he was "shy," which is his way of saying he didn't want to talk or didn't really have anything to say. I think that's because his father has, of course, been absent for two months and, perhaps more importantly, never learned to talk to his son.

"How you doing, buddy?" is going to get you only so far with a 5 year old.

"Good," he'll say and then wait for the next question.

I've spoken with my ex husband before about his being frustrated that our son doesn't have more to say on the phone, but I know from experience that my son will talk a blue streak to someone who shows an interest in what he has to say.

But for that to work, you've got to know what's going on in his life to ask about it. You've got to figure out how to ask questions that'll get him talking about things that he likes. You've got to just be there -- and I don't mean physically, because I know he can't. You've got to show up with your heart, with your time, with every attempt you can because a long-distance relationship with a 5 year old requires work. You've just gotta do it. It's important.